Who Will Love Me for Me?

Love. We all want it. No, we all CRAVE it from the deepest part of who we are. The more I read about raising kids, the more I understand the NEED each human being has for love. Newborns who are minutes old could die without it, toddlers who are constantly getting into everything crave it, 10 year olds who are balancing between childhood and adolescence scream for it, teenagers who can't wait to grow up and become adults desperately search for it. A 28 year old mom who looks like she has it all together....well you get the picture.

It wasn't until just recently that I realized my deep need for love. I had all the signs and symptoms though: self-hate, self-doubt, need for affirmation from anyone and everyone, a fierce need to make everyone happy and a fear that I wouldn't or couldn't, the feeling I could never be the perfect wife or mom, the list could go on and on. I suffered from extreme highs and lows. One day (when all things seemed to be adding up) I would be the happiest person you'd ever met. The next, I could be the exact opposite: sad, tired, defeated, depressed. Sounds a little like bi-polar disease, I know. I can assure you I do not suffer from that BUT I can tell you that I was searching and didn't even know it.

I finally got sick of it. I hated who I was when I was depressed or "down". It effected the way I mothered, the way I interacted with my husband and my close friends and family. My sister has since told me (lovingly) she knew when I was having a down day. I prayed and prayed for God to take away this "thorn in my flesh" and began to lose hope when it seemed that I would be forever doomed to endure it the rest of my life. I wish I could tell you at this point that the God sent His mighty angel to give me a good word and heal me miraculously....but it didn't work that way. He did send an angel, but her name is Shiela and she took me under her wings and helped me understand what I had been missing all these years.

God loves me. I know you are thinking "duh!" and singing "Jesus Loves Me" to yourself right now as we speak, but let me just tell you, I didn't get it. I thought I did. I have been going to church almost every Sunday for almost 10 years now, I have heard hundreds of sermons about His love for me. My head knew but my heart secretly refused to believe it. I have spent all my life trying to attain it and I have. My husband is one of the most affectionate, love-giving human beings on the planet....but it wasn't enough. My children give me an endless supply of hugs and kisses every day....but it wasn't enough. My friends give me accolades and praises constantly....but it wasn't enough. I love my family and friends more than life itself and know that they truly love me back but it still left me with a void, an unfillable hole the size of God in my heart. It wasn't until I allowed God to break down the wall I had built up to protect myself from hurt or pain that I realized that I had been keeping out the good stuff right along with the bad. As he began to heal past hurts, pains, and insecurities, I began to feel engulfed by  His Mighty love. I can't get away from it, He is constantly showing me just how much I mean to Him. It can be through a verse in the Bible,  through a smile from my husband or a giggle from my kids, it can be a gorgeous sunset or a sky full of twinkling stars. I realize now that He was telling me all along, I just "get" it now. All I know is He does love me and I can do nothing to make Him love me more or make Him love me less. He loves me with all that He is and that, my friend, is a good thing to have.

It is still a work in progress, believe me. But this "work in progress" will forever be changed by His Mighty fingerprints of love. I will leave you with a song that means so much to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk

Until next time...